Dear Amy: I was with my former partner for several years. He traveled often for work.
We had what I thought was a very happy relationship and were both professionally and financially successful. We bought a home together when I was close to completing my master’s degree.
A week after moving in, I discovered he’d been essentially living a double life with another woman (with children) who lived nearby. They were planning to take a “family trip” together (including her kids and parents). She knew nothing of me.
I then learned that his affairs had been going on for years with various women, and that he’d also had trysts with strangers (men and women). In addition to all this, he possessed tons of “upskirt” photos of various young women who were obviously being photographed surreptitiously.
When I would inquire about his trips and why he wouldn’t answer his phone when he traveled, he would accuse me of being crazy.
After this shocking discovery, I immediately left him.
After moving out, I ran a background check, and discovered that years ago, he was charged (but not convicted) of molesting a minor “younger than 12.”
In light of what I now know about him, I am extremely concerned.
I don’t know what to do with this information.
Should I reach out to the women whose contact information I have, and prompt them to look him up and do with the information what they will regarding their own children?
I have been wrestling with this question for nearly a year now. I don’t want to behave as a woman scorned, but I do often think about what harm he could be capable of, and it weighs on my conscience that I’ve remained silent.
– Only In Bad Movies
Dear Bad Movies: I wouldn’t describe your situation as “a woman scorned” so much as “a woman not warned.” The minute you learned about your guy’s double life, you packed up and left the relationship. Good for you!
Fully examine your motives. If your sole motive is to spare another woman what you went through or protect her children, then warn her.
Understand that when you attempt to warn another woman about our ex’s behavior, you must not defame him. Report only about what happened to you and the facts you know and urge any woman who has questions to also do a background check, especially if she has children.
Your ex will probably portray you as “a woman scorned.” It is likely that he is gaslighting his current partners the way he did you, but your strength now is in not caring what he thinks of you.
Dear Amy, my niece is getting married in two months.
It is an indoor wedding. I love her dearly, but do not feel safe attending anything where people will be eating and talking without masks.
What is the right thing to do here?
I have many health issues and have not been going places during this pandemic.
– Worried Relative
Dear Worried: People have varied responses to the CDC recommendations during the pandemic, but – social obligations or desires aside – you have an absolute obligation to guard your own health.
The right thing to do is to decline the invitation if you don’t feel comfortable attending. Send your niece and her fiancé a warmly worded note (and a gift, if you want).
It isn’t necessary for you to lay on too many details regarding why you won’t be able to attend, but wish them well and tell them both that you look forward to seeing them in person as soon as you get the “all clear.”
Dear Amy: “Confused Mom” asked you a question about “polyamory.” Apparently, her son and his wife had taken on an extra “partner” in their marriage and wanted to force this relationship onto the rest of the family.
This is adultery, plain and simple, and your acceptance of it is immoral.
– Upset!
Dear Upset!: I don’t view polyamory as adultery, because all parties are consenting to the relationship. “Confused Mom” was seeking a way to understand this, knowing that her relationship with her son hinged on her willingness to accept this unusual relationship triangle.
As parents, I believe we are called upon to find ways to love and accept our children, unless their choices are deliberately harmful.
I don’t believe that polyamory is the gateway to happiness, but that same caution would also apply to many conventional marriages.
I’d love to hear from people who grew up in polyamorous households.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
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February 23, 2021 at 03:13PM
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Ask Amy: She’s concerned other women are in danger from former partner leading double life - OregonLive
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